I need to go to sleep.

I had many ideas for posts tonight but I have been reading blogs hers, all night so I need to go to bed.

Tonight my husband is on baby duty (much thanks) for the first time since we started the crib. When we had our normal routine of sleeping in living room (not that awesome) he would help me whenever needed but with the transition I wanted to get a feel for it. 

It's such a strange thing. I tell him I need more help, I need him to do so and so and then I feel so bad when the time actually comes for him to help. I feel like - he's my son I can do it- I can make it one more night. I say " its okay you really dont have to, just be honest" blah. blah. But I do often have my breakdown days where I tell him and myself I didn't want to have a baby and do it alone, if that were the case I would have wanted to know before hand. So I ask him to help, and he obliges.

I am REALLY working on just letting him be. I tell him my 390430943 tips before we do the hand off in any situation (I'm sure he doesn't listen to half) and normally interfere asap. But tonight I turned the monitor down, turned it upside down and just tried to breathe. When it was on (at first) when I heard him wake up and cry my stomach turns in knots. I want to go make sure he's okay and put him back to sleep quickly (ugh how I spend my whole day) the worrying not the sleeping, anyway but tonight I said to myself he must just do it alone. Try not to worry so much and just see what happens...

so fingers crossed.

Today I am thankful for-
Coffee * cookies (yep)

I want to remember how the baby smiled at himself in the mirror in the bathroom today. I am not sure he even realizes it's him but it was still very cute for such a tired baby to be smiling :)

I am almost positive....

I have no idea what I am doing. Just in case that wasn't clear already. The baby is 16 weeks old, and I still have no idea what he needs most of the time. I know it sounds silly but before having children I had no idea what it would be like... which seems obvious but you just can't know until it happens. Now does that mean its all doom and gloom, no, it has its day to day enjoyable parts. Sometimes, it's just hard to remember them. Sometimes they don't outweigh the hard. I KNOW I am going to look back on this blog one day and think wow you were whiney... but what I know about myself is that I don't like the unknown. I don't take a ton of risks (I find as I get older I have become less risky in some ways and more in others) one my second kid, I feel I will be much more suited to do this job. I consider myself a smart person, rather logical and quick but I still often think wow I have no idea whats wrong with him.
The weird part is I chalk everything up to him just being a baby.. and him not having much knowledge on what he needs either. I keep telling myself when he can play with a toy, when he can move around, when he can really interact with me he will be happier. I feel like this seems logical and holy hell am I going to be in for a shock if this isn't how it goes.

I realized today I should have named this blog "Waiting to exhale". I text my husband tonight after dude screamed for the better part of an hour.. "today was rough" and I feel like its more rough because the whole day I don't breathe. I wait for him to cry. I worry how I'll fix it... and not in a conscious, worry kinda way, just a realization when I take two seconds to breathe every so often and think wow... you needed a breath.  He lost his mind today around 4 at my parents, fell asleep in the car on the way home, and it went badly from then on. Now do I think it's because he didnt nap enough today? yes. But did I know a baby can scream like someone cut off his leg because he is tired? yeah no, I kinda don't think that makes sense? So I assume something is bothering him? Therefore I am really left with no answer as to whats going on. Leading to me realizing, I rarely have any idea what is going on. And were left with the problem of... if we stay in he will maybe nap better sure, but will he be down right fussy because he is bored of the living room, yes. I wish people would have the right answers because I have none. He doesn't love his walker, he doesn't love his playmat, he doesn't love his saucer, he doesn't even really like his swing, and now when I put him in the crib most of the time he gets mad because he think I am making him go to sleep.
I know I sound like negative nancy but its how I feel. He doesn't like his car seat unless were in the car, so walks don't go well, and I tried using the stroller once and he didn't like that. He doesn't like the mei tai carrier, and I havent even tried the baby bjorn lately. Um do you see my problem here??!?!!?!?  Call me whiney, sure but it's how I feel. He wants to sit up so we hold him but most of the time he cries and acts uncomfortable, he gets very sick of laying down which I understand but when he flips to his tummy the happiness doesn't last long there either. I mean if this doesn't sound tricky, please help me out.
Of course if you ask my husband he has better luck with most things.. I assume because the baby is sick of me trying to entertain him but he is confused why the dude who see's him a little less is playing with him so he gives him five more minutes of happiness. Maybe I need to be trying all the things more so he can get used to them? But in my adult mind, because I dont have a baby one, if you try something and don't like it that probably wont just change. I understand he isn't an adult.. but I am not a baby so were at odds here.
See why I pray things get better?
Of course we have good days, don't hate me and think I sound like a terrible mom. Sometimes we'll have a good day (like once a week) where he watches tv and acts nice and is nice to mommy. But other days I try to take him out and so on and then he just gets cranky.

I have no answers. I need to breathe more. But I love his smile.
I also love him in the morning after he is well rested.
Getting up five times a night to put in his binky every.single.hour is driving me bonkers though. I'll write more about stinky sleep nights some other time. I have whined enough.

Maybe tonight will go better?!!?
Any moms have any words of wisdom? 

Happy Easter!

Last night was a good night, the baby slept from 12-6:30 with only one "put in the binky" wake up. So so nice. Today we woke up refreshed, and ready to start the day!

We had Easter here this year, because my husbands family was away and our house feels too small for more than 6 adults. I cooked, and it came out pretty well. Everything was relatively easy and quick but still tasty! As a random side note, I chopped jalapenos last night and more than 24 hours later my fingers are still stingy. Last night was not a pleasant time trying to stop them from hurting so I could fall asleep...

But in terms of baby, he was so so good today. I put him upstairs with daddy in bed and he took a nap with him! Didn't hear one peep.. I got to get all of my stuff done.. and it just went smoothly from there. He was so happy all day and sweet, took a long nap in the afternoon and at bed time put himself to sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, I gave him his binky which normally I hold in until he gets sleepy but tonight he spit it out.. and did his little hand claspy thing and put his sweet self to sleep! Such a good good baby, in five minutes. It's so weird to see him become a little person - he is fully rolling over all the time, with good speed. Sometimes he gets mad that he's on his stomach but lol he's a little dramatic.

Here are some pics from the day :)

Just a few pictures for your enjoyment

This is how he prefers to sleep.....

 I came in from getting his bottle and this is what he was doing... (he was not on his stomach when I left him)......

 I'm a HAPPY 16 weeks today!!!....

We spend a lot of time on our changing pad (watching tv) as you can see.

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!

You take the good with the bad.

I just went upstairs (after my fun DIY project which I will post pictures of soon) because baby started rustling around in the crib. I had the thought to pick him up, which I never normally do because he just wants his binky but I did and he immediately spit up on me. Okay so that part isn't that awesome but I decided to change his diaper now and slightly damp onesie because god knows he'll leak through it at some point anyway and he smiled, and kicked around and I touched his soft feet and kissed his smooth cheek and thought to myself "I am going to miss this some day".

I wish him to be older on a daily basis, mostly like "the grass is always greener" concept and I normally believe myself. I am sure hoping it will be easier and we will feel more and more like parents everyday and he will be so cute, and sweet and fun. I really do look forward to all of those things. I think to myself on a regular basis how I could never have imagined having a baby boy. I cried when I found out... and daddy told me I could get a kitten if that would make me happy (hes sweet) but now I can't imagine him even being a girl. The feeling would have been totally different and I pray that day will come but for this time the feeling is just as it should be.

He is my little man. He is whiney and pudgey and adorable. He loves me for growing him, he loves me for being with him all day and all night and I love him because he is perfect for us.

I will someday (way sooner than I can imagine) miss picking his little body up and kissing his sweet cheeks even in the middle of the night when I really need to be sleeping.

As always, I love you baby. Thank you for being ours.

If you wouldn't mind....

LEAVE ME A COMMENT :)

The page has been viewed over 2000 times (maybe it's possible to just flip through and not actually read it) but I'd still love to know if anyone is reading this! or if you have any suggestions, tips, or questions!!

I would be oh so excited to hear from you :)

Oh and I will post soon, when sleep is not higher on the list xoxoxoxo