I have no idea what I am doing. Just in case that wasn't clear already. The baby is 16 weeks old, and I still have no idea what he needs most of the time. I know it sounds silly but before having children I had no idea what it would be like... which seems obvious but you just can't know until it happens. Now does that mean its all doom and gloom, no, it has its day to day enjoyable parts. Sometimes, it's just hard to remember them. Sometimes they don't outweigh the hard. I KNOW I am going to look back on this blog one day and think wow you were whiney... but what I know about myself is that I don't like the unknown. I don't take a ton of risks (I find as I get older I have become less risky in some ways and more in others) one my second kid, I feel I will be much more suited to do this job. I consider myself a smart person, rather logical and quick but I still often think wow I have no idea whats wrong with him.
The weird part is I chalk everything up to him just being a baby.. and him not having much knowledge on what he needs either. I keep telling myself when he can play with a toy, when he can move around, when he can really interact with me he will be happier. I feel like this seems logical and holy hell am I going to be in for a shock if this isn't how it goes.
I realized today I should have named this blog "Waiting to exhale". I text my husband tonight after dude screamed for the better part of an hour.. "today was rough" and I feel like its more rough because the whole day I don't breathe. I wait for him to cry. I worry how I'll fix it... and not in a conscious, worry kinda way, just a realization when I take two seconds to breathe every so often and think wow... you needed a breath. He lost his mind today around 4 at my parents, fell asleep in the car on the way home, and it went badly from then on. Now do I think it's because he didnt nap enough today? yes. But did I know a baby can scream like someone cut off his leg because he is tired? yeah no, I kinda don't think that makes sense? So I assume something is bothering him? Therefore I am really left with no answer as to whats going on. Leading to me realizing, I rarely have any idea what is going on. And were left with the problem of... if we stay in he will maybe nap better sure, but will he be down right fussy because he is bored of the living room, yes. I wish people would have the right answers because I have none. He doesn't love his walker, he doesn't love his playmat, he doesn't love his saucer, he doesn't even really like his swing, and now when I put him in the crib most of the time he gets mad because he think I am making him go to sleep.
I know I sound like negative nancy but its how I feel. He doesn't like his car seat unless were in the car, so walks don't go well, and I tried using the stroller once and he didn't like that. He doesn't like the mei tai carrier, and I havent even tried the baby bjorn lately. Um do you see my problem here??!?!!?!? Call me whiney, sure but it's how I feel. He wants to sit up so we hold him but most of the time he cries and acts uncomfortable, he gets very sick of laying down which I understand but when he flips to his tummy the happiness doesn't last long there either. I mean if this doesn't sound tricky, please help me out.
Of course if you ask my husband he has better luck with most things.. I assume because the baby is sick of me trying to entertain him but he is confused why the dude who see's him a little less is playing with him so he gives him five more minutes of happiness. Maybe I need to be trying all the things more so he can get used to them? But in my adult mind, because I dont have a baby one, if you try something and don't like it that probably wont just change. I understand he isn't an adult.. but I am not a baby so were at odds here.
See why I pray things get better?
Of course we have good days, don't hate me and think I sound like a terrible mom. Sometimes we'll have a good day (like once a week) where he watches tv and acts nice and is nice to mommy. But other days I try to take him out and so on and then he just gets cranky.
I have no answers. I need to breathe more. But I love his smile.
I also love him in the morning after he is well rested.
Getting up five times a night to put in his binky every.single.hour is driving me bonkers though. I'll write more about stinky sleep nights some other time. I have whined enough.
Maybe tonight will go better?!!?
Any moms have any words of wisdom?
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